Flying on Empty
by A Timid Soul
Summary: Shepard can't always be fighting the bad guys. When she isn't, a certain Flight Lieutenant is there to keep her company. Scenes that I imagine would fit in between missions. Written using pure dialogue. Anticipated Shoker.
1. Chapter 1: ME 1

EDIT: Apparently, I had two origins going on at the same time; Shep was magically a Spacer and an Earthborn orphan at the same time. Oops.

* * *

"Hey, Commander."

"Wow, Joker. You actually sound tired for once."

"You try flying a ship for hours on end with nothing but a black sky to look at. I can't even admire the scenery or I'll start dozing off."

"Well, we still have that relief pilot if you –"

"I told you, not happening, Commander. I don't trust anyone else flying my – I mean, your – ship."

"_Our_ ship. Well, lucky for you I happened to bring an extra cup of coffee with me."

"Hmm…how did you doctor it up?"

"I didn't."

"I'll take it! Not to look a gift Spectre in the mouth, but how do you know how I like my coffee?"

"Considering the fact that I come up here so often, I figured I'd learn your order. Saves me from dealing with your whining and the extra steps I would have to take to make you a cup anyway."

"It's a wonder you don't win over everyone with your incredible kindness, my lady. Hey, hey! Watch the coffee; I don't want to clean up your mess. I do enough of that already."

"Someone's grouchy."

"Hmph… What've you got there?"

"A book on the League of One. Figured we'd been picking up so many of those medallions, I might as well figure out what the heck they're all about."

"Ugh, you just came up here to bore me with facts didn't you? I told you, I'm not going to fall asleep up here."

"You keep telling yourself that, Joker. Now, did you know that the Salarians –"

"Commander, please."

"Do you want my company or not?"

"Fine. Just…skip to the fun parts. That is, if this book even has any. Speaking of, how did you manage to get your hands on a book? Those things are ancient."

"I used my library card."

"Ha-ha, Commander. Very funny."

"No, really. My dad got me one when I was young and considering the fact that he was a rather high-ranking officer, he had special clearance to handle hardcopy books. I've had a little collection since I was twelve."

"Since you were _twelve_? Isn't that a little excessive, Commander? Besides, I have a hard time imagining that the Butcher of Torfan enjoys history."

"I try to retain some of my humanity, Joker. Without it, I'm nothing but a highly trained murdering machine."

"Sorry, Commander. I didn't mean…"

"I know."

"…Commander?"

"Yes, Joker?"

"Thank you. For coming up here I mean. I know you don't have to, and I understand that you want to check up on your crew, but you deserve some shuteye, too. I promise I won't crash the ship while you're sleeping."

"I appreciate the thought, Joker, but have you ever thought that I simply enjoy your company?"

"I…once, Commander."

"Huh. What made you give up on the idea, then?"

"Uh…nothing, Commander. And could you please watch your feet? You're going to break my humerus."

"Lighten up, Joker."

"I believe my bones are light enough, ma'am."

"Alright, it's clear I've overstayed my welcome. I'll take your mug if you're done."

"I didn't…thank you, Commander."

"It's no trouble, Joker. But next time you pull this little act, I'm getting Chakwas to come up here and give you a sedative."

"Ha! I'd like to see her try. She can't make me swallow a little pill."

"No, but she does have needles at her disposal if you get too stubborn."

"Commander, you wouldn't…"

"…"

"…You would. Fine. Okay. I'll make sure I get some sleep."

"I'll hold you to that. G'night, Joker."

"…Sheesh, she's worse than my mom."

"I heard that."

"Aw, shit."

* * *

_Author's Note_: Okay, so this was my first time attempting pure dialogue, and it turned out to be really enjoyable even if it was crazy difficult. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2: ME 2

"Commander, you are absolutely horrible with those."

"I am not!"

"Whatever you say, Commander."

"Look! I'm using them perfectly well right now!"

"I'm pretty sure that's _not_ how you're supposed to use chopsticks. You've spilled food all over the floor."

"Hey, Cerberus took out my chair so I had to improvise. Pardon me, if it means I'm losing my balance every so often."

"Then why don't you sit on the nice sturdy floor instead of on my armrest?"

"That takes all the fun out of it. And this is all beside the point. The point is that Kasumi told me I was doing fine."

"Kasumi was just being nice. She didn't want you to punch her."

"I would never hurt one of my crew mates! You know that."

"I see Cerberus forgot to reprogram someone's sense of humor."

"No, they just didn't give me the best environment for having a trusting crew who'd appreciate my jokes. I mean, who would laugh at a joke told by a, hmmm, how'd my pilot so eloquently put it? Ah, yes: a zombie."

"Commander, you know I didn't mean that."

"Uh-huh. You keep telling yourself that."

"Ugh, you're so annoying sometimes."

"And you say that I don't have a sense of humor."

"Touché."

_Commander Shepard, the Illusive Man has forwarded more dossiers to your personal console._

"Wow, way to kill the mood, EDI."

"Don't listen to him, EDI. Thank you; I'll check them out as soon as I can."

_Noted, Commander._

"Gosh, she irritates me."

"Oh, have a heart, Joker. She's an AI, and it's her first real job. I'm sure you two will hit it off in no time."

"Oh, of course. I guess one day I'll just wake up and decide that I won't mind having an AI mom hovering around me _all the time_."

"Then maybe next time we dock at Omega you should take a day off."

"You'd let me take a day off? _Seriously_?"

"I offered didn't I?"

"Yeah, but…wait, you're going to hold this against me aren't you. Use it as a little bargaining chip."

"It's good to know that you didn't become an optimist while I was gone. And no, Joker, I won't hold this against you. I think you've earned at least one day off."

"Yeah? Sure doesn't feel like it."

"Really? Care to elaborate?"

"I mean, you know why, Shepard…if it weren't for me, you never would've died. We wouldn't be working for Cerberus right now. I... let's just say that I don't think I've earned that day off."

"First off, we're _using_ Cerberus, not working for them. Secondly, I'm alive now and that's all that matters. And finally, you're the only person on this ship that I trust. You're the only one that came back, no questions asked. Hell, without you, I think I would've gone mad by now. So if I say you deserve a day off, then you can trust that you've earned it."

"Hey, don't get all soft on me, Commander. You know it makes me uncomfortable."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll stop. But I mean it. Next time we hit Omega, you're taking a day off. Understand?"

"Aye aye, Commander."

"Good. Now what was this about there being a 'mood' between us, Joker?"

"Aw, come on!"

* * *

_Author's Note:_ Although the dialogue came a wee bit easier in this one, I feel like it's off. I dunno. Practice makes perfect though, right? And please let me know if I'm just abusing italics; I'm trying to get speech patterns/emotions across, but I don't know if I'm overdoing it or not. Thanks to all of you who have alerted/faved this! It makes my day to know that some of y'all are interested in this. And thanks to all of you who just dropped by to see what this was all about; I hope to see you around!


	3. Chapter 3: ME 2

"You know what Cerberus is really lacking?"

"I don't know, Joker. They're a terrorist organization, or at least pretty darn close to one. I wasn't aware that they needed something more than zealous volunteers."

"Well you see that's just it. They lack an ordinary, human element. For a group that is so pro-human, they really fail to cater to human needs."

"I hear they pay pretty well. Not quite sure most people think that they're missing something."

"No, it's not that it's more like…when was the last time you smelled the rain?"

"Well, there was that one planet with the acid rain…"

"I'm being serious, Shepard. When was the last time you experienced something remotely normal and human?"

"I'm a soldier, Joker. I didn't sign up so I could take luxury bubble baths on off duty time. Besides, I grew up on ships; there wasn't much time for me to splash around in puddles as a kid."

"So that's why you're so serious. No wonder you hate puppies and happiness."

"If I truly hated happiness, I would've fired Chambers a long time ago."

"Ha! That's for sure. Sometimes she's so happy that she makes my teeth ache."

"Be nice. In all honesty, though, my childhood was pretty nice when compared to most. My parents treated me well, and I got a head start in the military career. But what brought all this on? You normally don't ponder the meaning of life out loud."

"I heard a rumor that Cerberus was recruiting in Tiptree. It made me think about how some people are going to leave their relatively perfect little lives to be treated like cannon fodder by some black-ops organization. They're going to miss out on all the little things."

"You sound homesick, Joker."

"Aw, come on, Commander. You know I don't get soft."

"You keep telling yourself that."

"Yeah, yeah."

"… Joker?"

"Hmm?"

"What _does_ the rain smell like?"

"Come on, you know this, Commander."

"I know. Still, how would you describe it?"

"I don't know. It's… earthy, kinda assaults the nose with its thickness… hell, I don't know! It's _rain_."

"I miss it. I remember this one time when my parents finally got a break for a vacation. We were on some little colony – I don't remember the name – and it rained while we were there. I stayed out there for hours, until my fingers pruned, and I started shivering like mad. My parents were furious of course, but it was the most fun I'd had in ages. Climate controlled cruisers aren't much fun for kids."

"Sounds like something little Shepard would do."

"Little Shepard?"

"Ignore me."

"Right. But to keep myself from getting in trouble, I would count the stars."

"You counted stars. Really."

"Yeah. I mean, I knew that there was no point in doing it, but it kept me busy. As I got older, it kept me from worrying about my parents while they were out on active duty. I don't do it anymore, of course, not since… It doesn't work the same way anymore."

"Do you think you could ever make it work again?"

"I don't know. Maybe if I have a friend there. As long as I'm not alone."

"Well, next time you need a moment, call me. I get stiff sitting up here all day. And EDI can fly the ship, anyway."

"You sure about that, Joker? I didn't think that you trusted her that much."

"Yeah, well, I _don't_, but if it means that it'll keep you sane and human, I'd be willing to allow our shady AI to fly the ship for me."

"Thank you, Joker. That's incredibly sweet of you."

"Yeah, well, let's not make it a habit of it, okay? I'd rather the crew not know about all this…sappiness that just transpired."

"Ha-ha! Of course, Joker. My lips are sealed. Goodnight, Lieutenant."

"Yeah, same to you, Shepard."

* * *

(A few days later)

_Shore leave dates have been updated._

"Awesome! Where are we supposed to be headed, EDI? Omega? The Citadel?"

_It is scheduled for a planet called Demeter._

"Demeter? What the heck is so special about Demeter?"

_I am not sure, Jeff. However, it does receive above average rainfall._

"Why would… pfft! And Shepard says _I'm_ the soft one."

* * *

_Author's Note:_ Yeah, it's unnecessarily fluffy. Sorry 'bout that. In case you were wondering, I use prompts to get me started for most of these. That's why they are completely random and occur in no discernible order. Oh, and the chapter titles relate to what game these scenes happen in. Just in case I happen to get out of order as these go on. As always, thanks to the lovely people who have faved and alerted this! You guys rock my socks! And thank you for reading! Until the next update!


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